HOW TO CONVINCE PEOPLE TO YOUR WAY OF THINKING...
9 Principles by using which you can win people to your way of thinking.
it is very difficult to explain to people how you think especially when you feel differently and have a different approach towards life.
you may want to convey people your thinking towards life, but you may fail most of the times as most people have a fixed attitude towards their beliefs and value systems.
So to make your work easier and more straightforward in this aspect we will break down today some Amazing principles from the book “How to Win Friends and Influence People.”
1. YOU CAN'T WIN AN ARGUMENT
High heaven to get the best out of the argument – and that is to avoid it.
Avoid it as you would avoid rattlesnakes and earthquakes.
Nine out of the Ten times,
An argument ends with each of the contestants more firmly convinced than ever that he is absolutely right.
You can’t win an argument. You can’t because if you lose it, you lose it; and if you win it, you lose it.
Why? Well, suppose you triumph over the other man and shoot his argument full of holes and prove that he is non-compos mentis.
Then think What?
You will feel fine.
But what about him?
You have made him feel inferior.
You have hurt his pride.
He will resent your triumph. And-
“A man convinced against his will, is of the same opinion still” just think about it.
“If you argue and rankle and contradict, you may achieve a victory sometimes; but it will be an empty victory because you will never get your opponent’s goodwill.”
Boston transcript once printed this bit of significant doggerel:-
“Here lies the body of William Jay, Who died maintaining his right way – He was right, dead right, As he sped along, But he’s just as dead as if he were wrong.”
Buddha said: “Hatred is never ended by Hatred but by love”
Here are some tips on how to avoid Disagreement’s from becoming an argument:-
a.) Welcome the disagreement:-
Remember the slogan, ‘When two partners always agree, one of them is not necessary.’ If there is some pain point you haven’t thought about, be thankful if it is brought to your attention.
b.) Distrust your first instinctive impression:-
Keep calm, think and watch out for your first reaction. It will be you at your worst, not your best.
c.) Control your Temper:-
You can measure the size of a person by what makes him/her angry.
d.) Listen First:-
Give your Opponents a chance to talk. let them finish
Do not resist, defend or debate. This only raises barriers.
e.) Be Honest:-
Apologize for your mistakes.
It will help disarm your opponents and reduce defensiveness.
f.) Thank your Opponents sincerely for their interest:-
Think of them as people who want to help you, and you may turn your opponents into your friends.
there are many more Details you can get your copy here:- “How to Win Friends and influence people“
PRINCIPLE# 1:- THE ONLY WAY TO GET THE BEST OUT OF AN AGREEMENT IS TO AVOID IT
2. A SURE WAY OF MAKING ENEMIES - AND HOW TO AVOID IT.
Never begin by announcing ‘I am going to prove so and so to you.’ That’s bad.
That’s equivalent to saying:
‘I’m smarter than you think you are. I’m going to tell you a thing or two and make you change your mind.’
That is a challenge. It arouses opposition and makes the listener want to battle with you before you even start.
It’s difficult, under even the most benign conditions, to change people’s minds.
So why make it harder?
Why handicap yourself?just think.
This was expressed succinctly by Alexander Pope:-
“Men must be taught as if you taught them not, And things unknown proposed as things forgot.”
Over three hundred years ago Galileo said:-
“you cannot teach a man anything; you can only help him to find it within himself.”
As Lord Chesterfield said to his son:-
“Be wiser than other people if you can; But do not tell them so.”
Socrates said repeatedly to his followers in Athens:-
“One thing only I know, and that is that I know nothing”.
There is magic, real magic, in such phrases as: ‘I may be wrong, I frequently am. Let’s examine the facts.’
You will never get into trouble by admitting that you are wrong.
think, few people are logical.
Most of us are prejudiced and biased.
Most of us are blighted with preconceived notions, with jealousy, suspicion, fear, envy, and pride.
We sometimes find ourselves changing our minds without any resistance or heavy emotion,
but if we are told we are wrong, we resent the imputation and harden our hearts,
We incredibly heedless in the formation of our beliefs,
but find ourselves filled with just an illicit passion for them.
‘I am convinced now that nothing good is accomplished and a lot of damage can be done if you tell a person straight out that he or she is wrong.
You only succeed in stripping that person of self-dignity and making yourself a welcome part of any discussion.’
Martin Luther King was asked how, as a pacifist, he could be an admirer of Air Force General Daniel ‘Chappie’ James, then the Nation’s highest-ranking black officer.
Dr. King replied, ‘I judge people by their own principles – not on my own.’
In other words,Just think don’t argue with your customer or your spouse or your adversary.
Don’t tell them they are wrong, don’t get stirred up.
Use a little diplomacy.
PRINCIPLE#2 – SHOW RESPECT FOR THE OTHER PERSON’S OPINIONS. NEVER SAY, ‘YOU’RE WRONG’.
3. IF YOU ARE WRONG, ADMIT IT.
Any fool can try to defend his or her mistakes – and most fools do – but it just raises one above the herd and gives one a feeling of nobility and exultation to admit one’s mistakes.
Elbert Hubbard was one of the most original authors who ever stirred up a nation, and his stinging sentences often aroused fierce resentment.
But Hubbard with his rare skill for handling people frequently turned his enemies into friends.
For example, when some irritated reader wrote in to say that he didn’t agree with such and such an article and ended by calling Hubbard this and that,
Elbert Hubbard would answer like this:-
Come to think it over, I don’t entirely agree with it myself.
Not everything I wrote yesterday appeals to me today.
I am glad to learn what you think on the subject.
The next time you are in the neighborhood you must visit us and we’ll get this subject threshed out for all time.
So here is a handclasp over the miles, and I am,
What could you say to a man who treated you like that?
When we are right,
let’s try to win people gently and tactfully to our way of thinking,
and when we are wrong –
and that will be surprisingly often if we are honest with ourselves –
let’s admit our mistakes quickly and with enthusiasm.
Not only will that technique produce astonishing results; but, believe it or not,
it is a lot more fun,
under the circumstances,
then trying to defend oneself.
‘BY FIGHTING YOU NEVER GET ENOUGH, BUT BY YIELDING YOU GET MORE THAN YOU EXPECTED.’
PRINCIPLE#3 – IF YOU ARE WRONG, ADMIT IT QUICKLY AND EMPHATICALLY.
4. A DROP OF HONEY.
‘if you come at me with your fists doubled,’ said Woodrow Wilson, ‘I think I can promise you that mine will double as fast as yours.’
If a man’s heart is rankling with discord and ill feeling toward you, you can’t win him to your way of thinking with all the logic in Christendom.
Scolding parents and domineering bosses and husbands and nagging wives ought to realize that people don’t want to change their minds.
They can’t be forced or driven to agree with you or me.
But they may possibly be led to,
Think, if we are gentle and friendly,
ever so gentle and ever so friendly.
Lincoln said that, in effect, over a hundred years ago.
Here are his words:
‘It is an old and true maxim that ‘a drop of honey catches more flies than a gallon of gall’.
So with men, if you would win a man to your cause,
first, convince him that you are his sincere friend.
Therein is a drop of honey that catches his heart; which say that you will, is the great high road to his reason.’
Aesop was a Greek slave who lived at the court of Croesus and spun timeless fables six hundred years before Christ.
yet think the truths, he taught about human nature are just as real in Boston and Birmingham now as they were twenty-six centuries ago in Athens.
The sun can make you take off your coat more quickly than the wind; and kindliness, the friendly approach, and appreciation can make people change their minds more readily than all the bluster and storming in the world.
Remember what Lincoln said:
‘A drop of honey catches more flies than a gallon of gall.’
PRINCIPLE#4 – BEGIN IN A FRIENDLY WAY.
5. THE SECRET OF SOCRATES
A ‘No’ response, according to professor Overstreet, is a most difficult handicap to overcome.
when you have said ‘No’, all your pride of personality demands that you remain consistent with yourself.
You may later feel that the ‘No’ was ill-advised; nevertheless, there is your precious pride to consider!
Once having said a thing, you feel you must stick to it.
Hence, it is of the very highest importance that a person is started in the positive direction.
The psychological patterns here are quite clear.
When a person says ‘no’ and really means it, he or she is doing far more than saying a word of two letters.
the entire organism – glandular, nervous, muscular – gathers itself together into a condition of rejection.
usually in a minute but sometimes in observable degree, a physical withdrawal or readiness for withdrawal.
The whole neuromuscular system, in short, sets itself on guard against acceptance.
Think, to the contrary, a person says ‘YES’, none of the withdrawal activities takes place. the organism is in a forward moving, accepting, open attitude.
Hence the more ‘Yeses’ We can, at the very outset, induce, the more likely we are to succeed in capturing the attention for our ultimate proposal.
Get a student to say ‘No’ at the beginning, or a customer, child, husband, or wife, and it takes the wisdom and the patience of angels to transform that bristling negative into an affirmative.
“I finally learned that it doesn’t pay to argue,
that it is much more profitable and much more interesting to look at things from the person’s viewpoint and try to get that person saying ‘yes, yes’.”
Socrates Method of Getting yeses.
He asked questions with which his opponents would have to agree.
Socrates kept on winning one admission after another until he had an armful of yeses.
He kept on asking questions until finally, almost without realizing it, his opponents found themselves embracing a conclusion they would have bitterly denied a few minutes previously.
The next time we are tempted to tell someone he or she is wrong,
let’s remember the old Socrates and ask a gentle question – a question that will get the ‘yes, yes’ response.
PRINCIPLE#5 – GET THE OTHER PERSON SAYING ‘YES, YES’ IMMEDIATELY
6. THE SAFETY VALVE IN HANDLING COMPLAINTS.
If you think, disagree with them you may be tempted to interrupt, But don’t.
It is dangerous.
They won’t pay attention to you while they still have a lot of ideas of their own crying for expression.
So listen patiently and with an open mind.
Be Sincere about it.
Encourage them to express their ideas fully.
I discovered, quite by accident, how richly it sometimes pays to let the other person do the talking.
Letting the other person do the thinking and talking which helps in family situations as well as in business.
Even our friends would much rather talk to us about their achievements than listen to us boast about ours.
La Rochefoucauld, the French philosopher, said: ‘If you want enemies, excel your friends; but if you want friends, let your friends excel you.’
Why is that true? Because when our friends excel us, they feel important; but when we excel them, they – or at least some of them – will feel inferior and envious.
the author says –
By far the best-liked placement counselor in the Midtown Personnel Agency in the New York City was Henrietta G-.
It hadn’t always been that way. During the first few months of her association with the agency, Henrietta G- didn’t have a single friend among her colleagues.
Why? Because every day she would brag about the placements she had made, the new accounts she had opened, anything else she had accomplished.
‘I was good at my work and proud of it.’ Henrietta told one of our classes. ‘But instead of my colleagues sharing my triumphs, They seemed to resent them.
I wanted to be liked by these people.
I really wanted them to be my friends. After listening to some of the suggestions made in the course,
I started to talk about myself less and listen more to my associates.
they also had things to boast about and were more excited about telling me about their accomplishments than about their listening to my boasting.
Now, when we have some time to chat, I ask them to share their joys with me,
and I only mention my achievements when they ask.’
PRINCIPLE#6 – LET THE OTHER PERSON DO A GREAT DEAL OF THE TALKING
7. HOW TO GET COOPERATION
don’t you have much more faith in ideas that you discover for yourself than in ideas that are handed to you on a silver platter?
If so, isn’t bad judgments to try to ram your opinions down the throats of other people?
Isn’t it wiser to make suggestions – and let the other person think out the conclusion?
Letting the other person feel and think that the idea is his or her does not only work in business and politics, it works in family life as well.
Ralph Waldo Emerson in his Essay ‘Self-Reliance’ stated:-
‘In every work of the genius we recognize our own rejected thoughts; they come back to us with a certain alienated mastery.’
Twenty-Five years ago, Lao-tse, a Chinese sage, said some things that readers of his book might use today:
‘the reason why rivers and seas receive the homage of a hundred mountain streams is that they keep below them.
Thus they can reign over all the mountain streams.
So the Sage, wishing to be above men,
putteth himself below them;
wishing to be before them, he putteth himself behind them.
Thus, though his place is above man, they do not count it an injury.’
PRINCIPLE#7 – LET THE OTHER PERSON FEEL THAT THE IDEA IS HIS OR HERS.
8. A FORMULA THAT WILL WORK WONDERS FOR YOU
REMEMBER THAT OTHER person may be totally wrong.
But they don’t think so.
Don’t condemn them. Any fool can do that.
Try to understand them. Only wise, tolerant, exceptional people even try to do that.
There is a reason why the other man thinks and acts as he does.
ferret out that reason – and you have the key to his action, perhaps to his personality.
Try honestly to put yourself in his place.
If you say to yourself, ‘How would I feel, how would I react if I were in your shoes?’
You will save yourself time and irritation, for becoming interested in the cause, we are less likely to dislike the effect.’
And in addition, you will sharply increase your skill in human relationships.
In his book Getting Through To People, Dr. Gerald S. Nirenberg commented:
‘cooperativeness in the conversation is achieved when you show that you consider the person’s ideas and feelings as necessary as your own.
Starting your conversation by giving the other person the purpose or direction of your discussion,
governing what you say by what you want to hear if you were the listener,
and accepting his or her viewpoint will encourage the listener to have an open mind to your ideas.’
I would instead walk the sidewalks in front of a person’s office for two hours before an interview,
then step into that office without a perfectly clear idea of what I was going to say and what that person
– from my knowledge of his or her interests and motives – was likely to answer.
If, as a result of reading this book, you get only one thing –
an increased tendency to think always in terms of the other person’s point of view,
and see things from that person’s angle, as well as your own –
if you get only one thing from this book,
it may easily prove to be one of the stepping-stones of your career.
PRINCIPLE#8 – TRY HONESTLY TO SEE THINGS FROM THE OTHER PERSON’S POINT OF VIEW.
9. WHAT EVERYBODY WANTS.
WOULDN’T YOU LIKE to have a magic phrase that would stop arguments, eliminate ill feeling, create goodwill, and make the other person listen attentively?
Yes? All right.
Here it is:
‘I don’t blame you one iota for feeling as you do. if I were you I would undoubtedly feel just as you do.’
Three-Fourth of the people you will ever meet is hungering and thirsting for sympathy.
Give it to them, and they will love you.
Dr. Arthur I. Gates said in his splendid book Educational Psychology:
‘Sympathy the human species universally craves. The child eagerly displays his injury; or even inflicts a cut or bruise in order to reap abundant sympathy.
For the same purpose adults…show their bruises, relate their accidents, illness, especially details of surgical operations.
“self-pity” for misfortunes real or imaginary is, in some measure, practically a universal practice.’
so if you want to win people to your way of thinking, put into practice…
PRINCIPLE#9 – BE SYMPATHETIC WITH OTHER PERSON’S IDEAS AND DESIRE
this the ultimate book to win and influence people into your life.
this is the must read of all time.
also, highly recommended by WARREN BUFFET.
THIS CAN CHANGE YOUR LIFE AND WILL IMPACT YOU GREATLY IN YOUR CAREER AND LIFE AT A LARGER SCALE.